22 October, 2010

The prettiest thing in the whole blue sea.

I am tired, my friends. Tired of having to try all the time, especially in school and with friends. That's a thing- surely if they were friends I wouldn't have to try? Don't get me wrong, I have friends who accept me, wierdness and all, but then again, I have what some people would refer to as ''fairweather friends'', who's minds and opinions change like the seasons. And therefore to keep my place as Flavour of the Month, so do I. I don't like feeling like I need to change, it makes me sad that people don't lke me for what I really am. It's so easy to brush it off and walk away, but day after day after everloving day, it just grates on me. Sometimes, it's not even worth it. This entire battle to be accepted or at least tolerated in the mindfield of adolescence is so beneath me. I just lack the time, the inclination and the effort. Who knows where I may be and what I amy think in, say, three years' time? I could be totally different- the most popular, pretty girl in the entire school. But- and here's the kick- I don't want to be. I love being different, but at the same time I stive, mostly unconsciously, for acceptance. Surely being different is all about not caring what other peple think? Oh god, I don't KNOW!! For god's sake, there's no manual to being a teenager. My schooldays are not scripted, I do not have appropriate comebacks texted to me every hour on the hour. I hate feeling like everything is so beyond my control that I'm expected to just forget about it and live with it. I don't want to live my teenage years (supposedly some of the best I'll ever have) worrying about other people's opinions. But that's the kind of person I am. I've never been beaten up. I have never had death threats, or entire school hate campaigns staged against me, and so I don't think that I have any cause to be as fed-up with my situation. I am a living, breathing, eating, walking and dancing contradiction. I want to be different, I want to be accepted. I feel fed-up with the whole lame situation, then feel guilty for feeling so. I am so totally over this whole thing.

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