01 November, 2010

Utopia? Now THERE'S an idea.

Without wanting to sound maudlin (oh, who am I kidding? I thrive on it) I'm sick of arguing. I do it all the time nowadays, so it seems. With my boyfriend, with my ''friends'', God knows with my family. I know it's all part and parcel of growing up, it's just hormonal imbalance and about a million and one other cliches that make me sick to my stomach. It doesn't make it any easier! It's not fair how I'm expected to always UNDERSTAND. If someone (one of the aforementioned people most likely. They invade my LIFE) says something I don't agree with, (you probably know what's coming next. All together now...) I say so. That doesn't make me rude, or stupid or insolent. It makes me brave and honest. If someone was enver honest to you, you would hardly know each-other, each one being as wrapped up in lies as a freaking onion. I'm just sick of all of this. And if my parents are reading this right now, they're going to call me downstairs to comment on what I'm about to write, so here goes nothing; I know I'm selfish, lazy and a pain sometimes. But surely, as you two have been through all of this, you knew it was coming? I'm flattered that you thought enough of me to assume that I would surely bypass this phase, but clearly I haven't, and I know you don't like it. Sometimes, you can be a bit hypocritical, a bit annoying. I know it's all for the greater good, but when I show ''attitude'', it's always because I'm insolent, never because I have a justified reason, isn't it? And I'm too- well, not afraid, because I know that you'd iunderstand- I'm too...apprehensive, I think is the word. Yes, I like that, let's go with apprehensive. I'm too apprehensive to say something about it, and my combined distress at this and getting (in my humble opinion) an unjust lecture for whatever the occurance is, is normally (and unfortunately) characterised by sighing, eye-rolling and cold-shouldering. It's my fault, I know, for being less approachable, I suppose. But then again, it's not fair on me to have to sufer it every single time. You two (my parents, still) are the traditional, (and might I add very successful and kind? It might lessen my grounding) firm-but-fair followers, so surely you should demonstrate this ability? Urgh. This isn't coming out right, so I'll move on. My little brother! We (you and I) were put on this planet to wind up and confilct with, each-other. But sometimes (and especially of late) you have been commenting on stuff I do or say, knowing full well that I can't retaliate for fear of getting into trouble. Why do you do it? I admit I wind you up to a gold standard, and sometimes I go too far. But I always apologise. You just shut yourself in your room with Escape The Fate and continue to act blameless. Just stop, OK? Because it's not fair. And tell me, if I've done something to deserve this, tell me! Because I'm sorry. OK? I really am.
I don't think you (my friends and my boyfriend), no matter how lovely you all are, comprehend my moodiness sometimes. Charles, you just use the 'shut up and get out; technique, which admittedly is the most diplomatic, and I do understand. But you play it cool so often I'm starting to think you just don't care. And, if this makes any sense, you probably don't care that I think you don't care. But you know how much we love each-other (excuse us a moment, my dear readers), and soemtimes i just don't see any of that shine through. You are an explicably amazing boy, and the best friend and boyfriend I hvae ever known; you're kind, funny, intelligent, witty, loyal, caring and gorgeous! You're damn near perfect to someone like me, but that just makies me even more determined to stay closer to you. When I say forever, no matter whetehr you know this or not, I mean it. Things could change as I get older, and indeed as you too grow more mature, but right now, on the 1st November, 2010, at aprox. 21:35 GMT, I love you more than anything in the world, and I cannot phsyically imagine my life in the future without your beaming, purple-topped head grinning back at me. You really have no idea, do you babe? Nope. And as for my friends, forgive me if I find it difficult to trust you. As I've previously said, I've never been beaten up, nothing serious-serious have ever happened (i.e meriting the involvement of the Police, senior authority figures and the like), but I'm used to the bitching. I'm used to the rumours, the catcalls. I'm used to the whispers, and the backstabbing. And sometimes I wish I didn't have uch an extensive knowledge of that, I can scarcely trust any of you, truth be told; some of you have openly admitted to me that none of your other friends like me, which in turn puts pressure on me. I want to keep you as my friend, but I don't want you to end up being hated the same as myself. Others of you just get too carried away with it all, and end up being too easily moulded into the perfect shape of someone else. It's a shame, because you just tear evermore holes in the little trust I still have.

Of course, I love all of you. I do, but sometimes, I just...AAAAARGH.

I appreciate that a lot of you have got bigger, bigger problems, which I know you have. I understand, whole-heartenedly, especially as I know some or omst of these problems, but I'm just trying to get off my chest something which wears me down. It's not funny anymore, I can't just brush this off. As I said, I love you all, but I can't help feeling like this. It's natural, and I'm nowhere near perfect. Sorry.

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