07 June, 2011

And now ladies and gentlemen, I attempt to make history. (BIBLE MASHUP!)

In the beginning, my Mother created the upstairs and downstairs. Now the house was formless and empty, the darkness was over the surface of the lounge and the spirit of B&Q was hovering overhead, in the form of a very fetching light fitting, soon to become an elaborate chandelier to cause much pain on the day of the second coming of Callum.

In the New Testament, there was my Father, who introduced the Ten Commandments;
1) Thou shalt not answer me back
2) Thou shalt feed the cats every morning
3) Thou shalt do thy homework on time, every day
4) Thou shalt not go out, dressed as the Whore of Babylon
5) Thou shalt not be a Liberal Democrat
6) Thou shalt love, not thy neighbour, but thy family
7) Thou shalt not murder thy brother, Cane
8) Thou shalt not answer back, neither me, nor God
9) Thou shalt not post inappropriate things on thy Facebook account
10) Thou shalt not partake in the Immaculate Conception (Footnote: I don't care if your friend V. Mary did it! If she jumped off a bridge, would you?!)

Unfortunately, within hours of the Ten Commandments imposed, I, Abel, broke both the 7th and 9th Commandments, and so I was smited violently, by God. God then sent me to my room, where there was darkness. (Footnote; the only reason I killed my brother was because he went in my room and stole my stuff. I hate it when he does that. I hit him with a shoe and he just...CRUMPLED?!)

The twelve disciples, Jake, Cazza, Sam, Peter, Jordan, Andrew, Adam, Jordy, Joe, Akshay, James and Rhian were faithful to Callum. All but one; Rhian was lovely by day, but by night, plotted and schemed for his downfall, via the wisdomical Facebook. But Rhian's actions were to attracted that of a friendly Jew, Kaitlin, who alerted her men (Ceri, Amy, Jess and Livvy) to put Callum to death on the cross. When Rhian, who had betrayed him, saw that Callum was condemned, she was seized with remorse and said to her fellows, "I have sinned," she said, "for I have betrayed innocent blood."
"What is that to us?" they replied. "That's your responsibility." So Rhian threw a huge strop, roundhoused Cazza in the face and left the temple.

Whilst this was happening, this time some years ago, an angel in the form of a lanky ginger BABE called Charles appeared to Nicole at the window. ''Do not be afraid of my quiff, fair Nicole'', the angel implored, ''for I am here to bring you news. I am here on behalf of my girlfriend's mother, who just also happens to be God, to tell you that she wishes you to become impregnated with the Son Of God.''. Nicole was confused- for, she was engaged to fair Jesille, a humble carpenter, was she not? But the angel merely said, ''You are a virgin. It is within God's power to impregnate you. Whereupon you become pregnant, you shall name your son Jesus Christ, and your eldery relative, Jess, will give birth to Akshay, who will pave the way for the Lord''.

For many months, Nicole lived, with the Son of God growing inside her, her foolish husband thinking that she'd probably just eaten too much over the past few months, until she came clean one eventide. ''WHAT?!'', Jesille claimed in anguish, ''But you are a virgin, my fair wife!''.
''I know, I know! Cor, this is just like Eastenders...''
''Stop changing the subject!''
''Oh, the washing up! AGAIN?! Cannot I use my mule to unburden me from this task?''
''NO! The mule is not your slave! AND HIS NAME IS GNASH!''
''Fine! You're up the duff, my donkey has a name and you're craving Marmite. What. Ever.''
''Don't make me make you watch Glee...!''
''OKAY! I'm sorry! I'm going out to get sponges. Tssck.''

And so the night arrived as Nicole and Jesille travelled to Newbury on Gnash, the Mule, to register their marriage and prospective birth, when the pains started. ''OOF!''

At the first inn, they were turned away by Samuel, and at the second, by the cruel Millie with her red glasses. At the third, however, they found salvation in the form of an old, kindly owner called Amberly, with an empty barn. Relieved, Jesille led Nicole and Gnash to the barn, by which time there was little to go until the birth. Nicole was laid down upon a bed of strawer, next to a handly -placed IKEA-manger, although they had such trouble putting it up that they almost missed it. The next hour was traumatic and fraught, as Nicole pushed and pushed with all her might.
''No I didn't, you shlag, that was ''God'', remember?''
''Oh whatever, I'm going back to the inn for a Carlsberg...''
''You'll what? Get your son to smite me?''
''Jesus, I'll stay, you moody mare!''

And thus, Callum was born. Unfortunately, it WAS Christmas day, and so the three wise men didn't show up until the end of The Royle Family. When they eventually did, the gifts they presented didn't really cut the mustard, but by then they didn't really care. The first, Hannah, presented Callum with a bunch of limp carnations. The second, Emma, presented a tin of Quality Street, but with all the green triangles missing, and a vast majority of...TOFFEE PENNIES! WTF?! The third, Kiera, presented Callum with a lock of her own vivid orange hair, in the hope that he would take it and remember her, and perhaps pity her in future, and change her hair colour.

So, after the whole Jesus shenanigan, things moved on a bit and basically, we fair humans messed up the world a bit which wound my Mother up NO END. So in the end, she appealed to Ollie, a humble worksman, and warned him of a legendary flood, whereupon it would rain for forty days and forty nights, which he shrugged at because, hey, it IS England after all. Oh no wait, we're in Israel. DAMMIT!

With this in mind, Ollie got to work, building a huge wooden boat, an Arc; I tell you, B&Q LOVED HIM. Unfortunately, on the day of the flood, he lost his loyalty card and so didn't get any points, which is why he was in a filthy mood when he was gathering the animals, and deliberately left out the unicorns and the dinosaurs, and only took one Dodo, so it was impossible to reproduce. So, yeah, Ollie, thanks for messing up the world for us.

Then it rained for forty days and forty nights, and at some point, Moses, my Dad, would get bored and decide to part the Red Sea, on his way over to Morocco. This annoyed my Mum, so she kicked him with a big celestial foot, from way up in the clouds. And then The Devil LOL'ed so hard, it accidentally kicked off the apocolypse. Woooooops. But it's cool, because by then the world was due to end anyway, because it was December 21st 2012. So, yeah.

Thank you to http://www.biblegateway.com and, of course, http://www.lifeofchrist.com.

God- My Mum
Moses- My Dad
Cain- My Brother
Abel- Me
Mary- Nicole B.
Joseph- Jesille E.
Jesus- Callum Y.

The twelve disciples

Simon- Jake R.
Andrew- Sam T.
James- Peter E.
John- Akshay N.
Philip- Andrew M.
Bartholomew- Adam W.
Matthew- Jordy H.
Thomas- Joe L.
James (Son of Alpheus)- Jordan R.
Simon (who was called the Zealot)- James B.
Judas (son of James)- Callum 'Cazza' P.
Judas Iscariot- Rhian V.

Friendly Jew- Kaitlin P.
Jewish Soldier 1- Ceri R.
Jewish Soldier 2- Amy C.
Jewish Soldier 3- Jess P.
Jewish Soldier 4- Livvy M.

The Angel Gabriel- Charles B.

Elderly relative- Jess B.
John- Akshay N.

Inn Owner 1- Sam P.
Inn Owner 2- Millie R.
Inn Owner 3- Amberly D.

Mule- Gnash P. (my dog)

Wise Man 1- Hannah R.
Wise Man 2- Emma P.
Wise Man 3- Kiera C.

Noah- Ollie H.

The Devil- Fiona G.

Thank you to everyone who let me rewrite it, hope it was as good as the real thing ;D


  1. This made my day.

  2. nope, not on it! harrumph :L

  3. This is AWESOME BETH! You legend;)