17 June, 2011

"Does everyone hate you? " "Yeah" "Oh. Same, then"...

I was looking at a girl's old Facebook profile a minute ago (she's made a new once since) and it's occured to me that one of the idiots on there is so double-crossed that he could be fratwork.
So this girl got LOOOOADS of trouble for some rumour or sum'sumin' that happened a while ago, and when everything came out, seven types of proverbial were coming her way. In the end, the abuse got so bad that she went off Facebook for a while, I'm assuming (I don't know, I'm not fully up-to-date) and there was one comment in particular that sparked off a mountain of abuse...one of the sub-comments following this was somrthing along the lines of 'This made my night', basically meaning that all the entertainment [abuse] had made this guy's evening as it was so engaging and funny.

So, I was looking at her newer profile and in loads of the pictures there was this guy, the same one who made that comment on her old profile. And the fact that he's now 'there for her' after all the abuse passed strains to highlight my obvious point.
He also posted a comment about people hating her loads, which was liked by almost everyone who hates her at the time. Did she retaliate? Not to my knowledge.

My point of this isn't to get people into trouble if some of my friends read this and it gets spread round. I'm not trying to stir things up, I'm certainly not taking sides and you can punch me in the face if you think I'm trying to get all this hatred back on the girl again...she was a close friend of mine, for a short time.
No, my point is that it's a lot easier to befriend someone if they're flavour of the month. But it's really, really hard when everyone hates them. This is why I've lost a lot of my friends recently...I was the target of some random abuse, concerning a few of my guy friends, and I lost a lot of them due to it. Obviously it's frustrating, but in a way it's also quite useful, because I can now see who my real friends are.
This afternoon, for example, I was in Tech making some bracelets for our upcoming school Fete, and I was chatting to one of my guy friends, a boy who'd apologised profusely and plentifully for the way he treeated me during the period of said abuse. Butt hen, when we were talking to a couple of the girls responsible, he totally changed. He became rude, and stupid and really patronising. I didn't know all these obscure sexual references, and I was made to look stupid because of that.

Friendship, I've come to realise, is such a precious commodity nowadays. Before, I was tempted to believe that it came quite easily but have since learnt that if you're not careful, you can loose all of these carefully crafter friends in one fell swoop. I've now started to value all my friends a lot more highly, as I believe that to have a friend, a true friend who would never jurdge you, who you've told all your awful misdoings to and who is still there for you, even after all the trouble they've got for it...well, that's pretty special :)

And I'm being careful now. I don't trust anyone. Because I know how scared people are at this age, of loosing their popularity, their street cred, their respect, and ending up like me. I'm like a Public Health Warning: if you act like this, people won't like you.
I was stupid enough to believe that all of my friends were brave enough to stand up for me...for themselves, in a way, and what they believe in. But I forgot that they're teenagers. Individuality means change, and change terrifies all of them.
Oh yeah, we're all very defensive when it comes to mistakes we've made or things we regret, because we're all growing up and changing. But no way do we want to apply that, to put that into practise in real life.

I hate being so helpless, only able to watch all my friends skip gradually away from me. I hate how people's perception of me has changed so dramatically. I hate the way I was cruising along, just saring to hope that I was finally the right side of acceptance, for almost the whole year, until this perfectly times blow shot me down. But most of all? I hate the fallout that the act (seemingly on a whim) has caused. I hate how I'm still loosing friends, I'm still treated differently, there are still people whipsering about me, how I'm still at Square One.

I'm exactly the same place I was at the beginning of Year Seven, barely knowing or being able to trust anyone.
And I hate it.

So I hope that those people I'm talking about read this post. I hope they all know that it's them I'm talking about. I hope that they feel just the tiniest bit of regret for making me feel this way. I really don't want their pity, I've had enough with everyone feeling sorry for poor little reject girl who has no friends. I really, really don't want them back, either. I'm not looking for apologies. I don't think I'm looking for acceptance either. I don't know what I'm looking for, but whatever it is, it's not them. I don't want my old friends back, because that's just what they are, really. Old friends. Gone. In the past. Forgotten.

Just like I was when everyone hated me.

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