04 August, 2011

*sarcasm* Thank you???

After everything we did.
The fact that this pulled the four of us amazingly closer together, the fact that we were all here for you. You were our broken heroine, the one who still fought with the weight of her betrayal hampering her life. We respected you for that; everytime we jokingly called each-other sluts, you practically welcomed the insult with open arms, always saying, ''Yeah, I know''. It broke our hearts, the three of us, your three best friends; you called us that, with eyes shining, as we all hugged you and plied you with sugar and ice-cream to help you forget. We didn't, never could, hate you for what you did. We know it wasn't all down to him, but it certainly was not just you. You didn't deserve that scarlet letter painted over your head, hanging over you. You're so beautiful, even with all the pain of that betrayal. Everyone else who knew, they didn't know the extent of your repentance and the unforgiving guilt you always felt. Yeah, I'm over-dramatising the whole situation, making it sound more romantic than its actual sordid, teenage counterpart but hell, this is what we all feel. Us, your best friends, the ones who share your dreams and know every single emotion.

And now, to coin a readily-made phrase, comes a kick in the teeth. From a semi-reliable source, I've since discoveered that you want to repeat this encounter, to go through all this seemingly unbearable ''pain''. Or not. I don't know; is it real? Was the emotional downfall you seemingly experienced even real? Or is my newfound information merely a ruse, to save someone elses' skin?
I want to believe the latter; I know you wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone. And you know how much this could hurt people involved. Sure, people are reading this thinking, hey, it's none of [my] business, which indeed it isn't...directly. I was not there, I do not know the sequence of events firsthand. My speciality isn't the how's, the why's and the wherefore's. I deal with the emotion, the consequence of the girl so ravaged by guilt.
You didn't eat, talk, sleep, for days. You lived, as you put it, on 'caffeine and regret'.
Not for a second do I doubt the reality of your emotions; no-one could fake that much remorse. It's too painful. But I do wonder why. I do wonder if you're doing this to hurt yourself...to hurt us? To hurt the person involved. Maybe you're doing it for closure, or maybe just because you want to. But we, your best friends, deserve an explanation.
I don't hope you read this. Indeed, I hope you're thinking about what to say to us, how to explain in a way we'll understand, because we don't, and we want to understand. We really do; any screed of information that could possibly help us empathise with you, that's what we want...all we want...to help you, to catch you if things go so badly wrong again, for a second time.
Or maybe I hope that you'd have no idea what I'm talking about, indeed if I were to put this forward to you then maybe you'd look at me as if I was quite mad. Maybe that's what I'm hoping for. But either way, I know that whatever I'm hoping for, it always involves you being happy, looking forward to your future, being the girl we fell in love with.
Whatever you choose to do, keep smiling, be careful...stay safe.

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